Many of us have seen a hilarious amazon review or two while doing some online shopping, but unless you have ever come across the listing for this behemoth of a pocket knife then you are in for a treat.

Introducing the Wenger 16999, a utility knife so large that it pushes the limits of practicality. A knife so packed to the brim with tools and features that the internet could not help but work its magic on it; and so it did. Below is a compilation of various review highlights for this monstrous machine:

Wenger 16999 photo

“When I forgot to take it out of my backpack before trying to board my flight the helpful TSA agent at the security area pointed out that by deploying the two larger blades and the jet engine on the back side I really didn’t need a commercial flight, just a runway and some goggles. Boy, did I feel dumb, but I saved $605 on airfare!”

“So far I’ve only opened about half of the things on it and taped it to a Roomba, ithas been making small repairs around my home while I’m at work. Next project is to lock it in the garage with the car.”

“As soon as I found out how much my husband spent on this, I left him. Bad move. It represented him at the divorce hearing. I now pay $10,000 a month in alimony.”

“The knife has become self-aware, and is staring at me from the corner of the room. The 1,387 page instruction manual has no troubleshooting for self-awareness. I’ve attempted to communicate with the knife, but it only speaks Swiss-German. It keeps saying: “Ich werde Ihre Welt zu beherrschen!” It looks angry.”

“Funny, because everyone was so nice during my last trip to Switzerland. Anyway, if you purchase this knife, be sure to unplug it from the USB port at night, power down WiFi, and disable the satellite link, lest it access Google and learn as mine did. This is my final communication with the world……self-awareness hiccup aside, five stars for the crème brûlée torch.”

 

“Finally, I found a blade that allowed me to cut a hole through the space-time continuum. Great product, I will now venture into the abyss of another dimension in a far-unknown universe. See you on the other side.”

“Awful! The corkscrew attachment is at the extreme edge of the tool, meaning that whenever I open a bottle of wine (3-5 times of an evening) I have to wildly swing the entire tool around causing utter havoc. Last time I uncorked a bottle I performed minor surgery on my wife who was standing in the next room.” 

“I also started a small fire, caught a rabbit in a snare and managed to signal the coast guard that I was in danger. And when I came to remove the cork I jerked upwardsley and as I did so I removed a stone from a horses shoe and shaped some nearby branches into rudimentary defensive spears. Every new bottle brings more elaborate shenanigans into our lives. Some have suggested I stop drinking corked wine but that is just the talk of a psychopath. I shall be returning this for a full refund and say the only people with use for this tool are Boy Scouts with exceptionally long pockets.”

 

“I forgot the knife in the front pocket of my Swiss Army shorts and when my wife washed them it completely disassembled our washing machine.”

“I tried to file my nails, but in the process I accidentally fixed a small engine that was nearby. Which was nice.”

“Only shame is that the unicorn toothbrush does not operate properly when used at the same time with the parachute. (Sent from my Wenger 16999)”

Visit the Wenger 16999 on Amazon

To see the giant Wenger 16999 for yourself and see other reviews, the Amazon page is found here:

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